My Ex Mother - acidicice

My Ex Mother

I feel ill today. I'm shaking and sick to my stomach. I feel weak and drained. I feel worried and preoccupied. I feel sad and want to cry all the time.
I have no mother. I have decided to write her off. I've decided to take on the debt and be done with it...and her. I've decided I don't need her emotional abuse over and above the financial pressure I am feeling. I don't need her to ignore me, avoid me and verbally abuse me when I try to speak to her. I don't need her.
I cried a lot last night. It took me a long time to realize that this might be the best. I didn't want to take on the debt. It scares me to death.
My mother and I can get along well, but our relationship doesn't warrant this. I can live without her "friendship"...I can live without her two facedness. I can live without her lies. I can live without her hypocrisy. I can live without her lack of love. I can live without her lack of support. I can go without all of that. There's nothing that I can think of that I need from her.
How did this all happen? Teljoy (the rent to own company that the fridge and microwave are rented from) wanted to go and collect the fridge and microwave on Monday. I called the housekeeper to notify her that they would be coming. She let it slip that they were busy moving. MOVING! I phoned my mother and told her that I wanted to come visit. She said "Oh. Ok" She had no intention of telling me. When I spoke to her later on she said there was a box of my things there. I told her I'd come fetch it, she insisted that they would bring it to me. I said "So what? I'm not allowed to know where you live?", she said "No. I don't trust you".
I managed to get the address out of my step dad and will give it to Teljoy to go and collect the fridge and microwave anyway.
Also...I transferred my petrol money for the month into my credit card as I always do as my petrol card is linked to my credit card. A couple of months ago I put a R3 000 payment to Woolworths (the clothing and food store) on my budget on my credit card. Thinking I was going to get some money from her, I put it on for 12 months. This premium deducted off my straight on my credit card sending my credit card over it's limit. The petrol money I transferred was swallowed up by the over limit amount leaving me with very little credit. No petrol money. My mother has made it my problem how she got to work for the last couple of months (like with the R5 500 rental car), but refused to help me out with petrol money for this month that I lost through her.
I will not SMS her. I will not phone her. I will not take her calls. I will not open the gate for her and if she manages to slip through, I will not let her into my house. I have nothing left.
I cried a lot yesterday. Rudi for the first time ever managed to try and comfort me. I don't think he knows how to deal with a crying woman and has always had great difficulty dealing with me crying. Last night he did the perfect thing. He hugged me and said "I will help you baby. You know I will help you". It means so much to me.
Leeza has also been very supportive. She's very very good with finances and talking to her about it has been really therapeutic. She's going with me to Woolworths and the bank on Tuesday for moral support as I go lay things bare for them. I have been afraid to do this. I have been so embarassed by my stupidity and afraid that they will judge me. I am still very scared.
I have never had an unpaid account in my life. I have never had to answer calls from debt collectors. I have never been so humiliated.
Now I have to crisis manage to avoid being blacklisted. My future depends on this. Rudi and I want to buy a house and get married and have full lives together. If I get blacklisted it will ruin everything.
I will never forgive her. Ok. I'll forgive her if she gives me R25 000 to pay off the debt she made on my name. In other words, I will never forgive her.
I want to go back to church. God, I'm sorry that I only want to do this now that I'm up the creek without a paddle. I've always thought it was wrong to do that, but God, You I need right now. Be with me.
To my mother:
You'll Think Of Me Lyrics

by Keith Urban

I woke up early this morning around 4am (who can sleep?)
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms (Boarder Man's arms)
I've been tryin' my best to get along (head above water, only just)
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater (nah, I'll keep the cat)
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left (so emotionally ruined)
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this (you have no idea)
And all the baggage that seems to still exist (about 25 000's worth)
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright (I have to believe it)
While you're sleeping with your pride (God knows why you have any)
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you (SO over you)
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

1.10.06 14:36

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Eppy / Website (1.10.06 18:12)
You're being brave, you're being strong/
....and, oh my, are you doing the right thing
*hugs*